The Matt Hadder Show

Brian Magerko
Mark Altman
Isaac Schankler

Written for the Digital Music Ensemble. Directed by Dr. Stephen Rush. University of Michigan. Winter 2002.

Begin Act I.

Lights come up on show center stage; Band starts to play theme song.

Announcer: Gentleman and Ladies: Whoever you are! Please refrain from smoking...return your seats to their upright and locked positions. It’s time for The Gonna Be Late Show as we begin at the beginning with your host...Matt Hadder!

APPLAUSE signs. The band, led by Harry March, plays a really upbeat version of “Still Crazy After All These Years.” Enter Matt stage left. Accepts the audience, takes a bow and then cuts off the band.

Matt Hadder: Hee Hee! Thank you both! My name is Matt Hadder. Welcome to a show. Not sure which one it is yet but while we will find out, please give it up for Harry March and dis-band!

Harry March: (waves) Heh, “this band,” Matt.

Matt Hadder: “Disband.” “This band.” Just play “dis-chord” and we’ll all sing along. And of course, my sidekick, the kick in my sides, the Dormouse!

APPLAUSE sign and NATURE ATTACKS sign. Band plays “Hello, I Love You.” The Dormouse remains snoozing, oblivious to everything. Matt makes his way to his desk stage left and takes a seat.

Matt Hadder: It feels like I am forgetting something.

Harry March: How can you be sure if you’ve already forgotten?

Matt Hadder: (interrupting) Ah yes! How rude of me. I have forgotten all about the monologue!

At this point, Matt reaches behind his desk and pulls out a single wood log with large words attached that read: “Mono-log.” APPLAUSE sign and GROAN sign. Matt tosses the log over his shoulder.

Matt Hadder: That’s enough of that.

Harry March: Enough of what?

Matt Hadder: Exactly. Hee hee. So how about that weather Harry?

Harry March: Who?

Matt Hadder: The weather.

Harry March: Never met him. Does he come around these parts often?

Matt Hadder: He usually blows through town several times a day but he much prefers to stay outdoors where he has some room to move around.

GROAN sign.

Matt Hadder: Now stop wasting my time...We have a show to do you know! Now where was I? Ah yes, the Top-Ten List.

Band plays Top Ten music.

Matt Hadder: Tonight’s category: Top-Ten things found in the bottom of a Treacle Well.

Matt looks briefly at Dormouse as if he heard him say something.

Dormouse: (snore)

Matt Hadder: (shrugs) Well, here we go: Top-Ten things found in the bottom of a Treacle Well.... Number 10...treacle!

LAUGHTER sign.

Matt Hadder: Number 9...treacle!

LAUGHTER sign.

Matt Hadder: Number 8...treacle!

SILENCE sign.

Matt Hadder: Number 7...treacle!

OBSCENE LAUGHTER sign.

Matt Hadder: Any guess for number six Harry? Any guess at all?

Harry March: (laughs) I don’t know, Matt. Which number?

Matt Hadder: Numb her? I don’t even know her!

Entire stage erupts in enormous laughter. The Dormouse wakes groggily to the noise, laughs slightly, and then falls back asleep as it dies out.

Matt Hadder: Yes...number 5...treacle! Number 4...aaaapppaeert. (Turns card right-side up.) And treacle!

A RIOT! sign and GROAN sign.

Matt Hadder: (to a RIOT! Cue card holder, curiously) Now let me see that.

Holder: (shows the sign to Matt and audience caddy-corner)

Matt Hadder: Now keep that in sight! (drum hit)

Matt Hadder: Numbers five, four, three, and two: Treacle treacle treacle and treacle!

Dormouse: (wakes groggily) treacle...treacle...treacle...treacle...

SILENCE sign. Drum roll from the band.

Matt Hadder: And the number one thing found in the bottom of a Treacle Well...Treacle!

Band breaks into Alice in Chains’ “Down in a Hole.” Band finishes.

Dormouse: (still groggy, half asleep) Treacle...treacle...treacle...

SWITCH sign and NATURE ATTACKS sign. A mad dash around the stage begins. The band members change instruments and switch around with the cue card holders. HARRY shoves the DORMOUSE out of the couch towards the desk. The DORMOUSE winds up behind the desk in a hat. HARRY is snoozing in the sofa. MATT is the band leader. The three play on the characters that they’ve replaced.

Dormouse: Who comes up with that stuff?

Harry March: (groggily) Cats.

Dormouse: Pardon?

Silence.

Dormouse: I guess he...

Harry March: Twinkle Twinkle Little Cat! How I wonder where you’re at! Up above the world you smile. Like a tea-tray in the sky! Twinkle twinkle little hat, Now whose head is too fat?

The Dormouse pours an extraordinary amount of water into a huge mug. The mug secretly leaks the water out into the desk, with the audience unaware.

Dormouse: OK....I guess we can move on. Our first guest this evening is...what? We don’t have a guest? What kind of talk show can you have with no guests?

Matt Hadder: A rather silent one.

Dormouse: Who asked you?

Matt Hadder: You did. Naturally.

Dormouse: No...I asked you out loud, not naturally...but that’s beside the point. What do you suggest we do now?

Matt Hadder: We could always have a guest guest...you know...from the audience.

Dormouse: Don’t be so ridi...WAIT...I’VE GOT IT!!! We can have a guest guest from the audience! Let’s pick a volunteer. How about a show of hands people! Work with me here. You in the (describe the clothing), make your way down to the stage.

The band plays theme song to the Price Is Right until the guest guest is seated.

SWITCH sign and APPLAUSE sign. The same pandemonium as before ensues, with GUEST looking quite unsure about what to do. Guest winds up in the desk. MATT winds up in the first spot on the sofa. DORMOUSE becomes a cue card holder. HOLDER sleeps on the couch next to Matt. HARRY and the rest of the band are back in their original postions.

Matt Hadder: (sipping on the large mug) How dare you ask me that!

MATT motions to toss the contents of the mug in disgust, but by this time the mug is empty except for confetti.

A RIOT! sign and SWITCH sign. Everyone winds up in their original positions. GUEST is now in the guest sofa spot again.

Matt Hadder: Oh, so you have a clip then?

Guest: I do?!?

Matt Hadder: Wonderful! Here is Lewis’ clip, “How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Your Mom.”

End Act I.

Begin Act II.

Lights fade in on three upper-class individuals standing at the setting for a tea party. There are elements of both British and Japanese cultures apparent. Teisyu is an obvious reference to Matt Hadder. Syou-Kyaku is a much older gentleman compared to Otsume, who is the youngest.

Teisyu: And may I introduce you to Otsume. Otsume. Syou-Kyaku. (Gestures to each as they are introduced.)

Both bow.

Otsume: A pleasure, of course.

Syou-Kyaku: And which course would that be, of course?

Otsume: (unsure) Which course?

Syou-Kyaku: Whichever takes you to where you’re going, of course, on course.

Otsume: (confused) Ah, I see. Yes.

Teisyu: Splendid. Tea anyone? Offers tea to both guests.

All sit.

Otsume: And what is it that you do, Syou-Kyaku?

Syou-Kyaku: I practice doing nothing whenever possible.

Teisyu: “Do unto others as they do unto you.” That’s what my dear mother always said.

Otsume: (slightly shocked) Doing nothing? And why would one do perfectly nothing?

Teisyu: The same reason two would, I’m sure.

Syou-Kyaku: Why, how else would you accomplish anything? “Just do your job, then let go.” That’s what my dear mother always said to me.

Otsume: And what would you have others do?

Syou-Kyaku: Do unto me?

Otsume: To you, yes, do what to you?

Syou-Kyaku: They’d do unto me as they done unto themselves. They would do precisely what was natural: simply not doing.

Otsume: And why do you?

Syou-Kyaku: Do what?

Otsume: Nothing!

Syou-Kyaku: Ah, nevermind then. (goes back to paying attention to the tea)

Teisyu: Splendid. More tea? (Offers tea to Otsume.)

Everyone sips at their tea.

Teisyu: Now, my dear Otsume, Syou-Kyaku may take a bit of getting used to, but you’ll find his manner fits our time of living to a tee.

Syou-Kyaku: Ah, to the tea!

Teisyu and Syou-Kyaku: (raising cups in a toast) To the tea!

Teisyu: Quite good. Jolly good indeed.

Otsume: (to Teisyu) Ah, I’ve yet to tell you of the good news.

Teisyu: Yes?

Otsume: My cousin recently engaged to the Duchess of Wondershire. The marriage is surely to increase the family holdings by a substantial amount. Father is simply elated.

Teisyu: Why congratulations, of course.

Silence.

Otsume: (expecting) You’ve nothing to say as well, Syou-Kyaku?

Syou-Kyaku: I mean to say I’ve nothing to say, and I’m saying it.

Otsume: I dare say, please say what you have to say, yes? I’m quite interested.

Teisyu: Well said.

Syou-Kyaku: I will say this: if you want to be given everything, give everything up.

Otsume: And how, pray tell, would my giving away everything increase my family’s estate?

Syou-Kyaku: (shakes his head) If you want to become whole, let yourself fall to pieces. If you want to become straight, let yourself be crooked.

Teisyu: Ah yes, as in if you want to become full, go on with being empty?

Syou-Kyaku: Precisely! If you want to be reborn, let yourself die. If you want to be given everything, give everything up. Then because you have no goal in mind, everything you do will be a success.

Teisyu: Ah, everything a success! Well, there you are then.

Otsume: There I am nothing! He didn’t say one word of sense!

Syou-Kyaku: True perfection seems imperfect, but it is perfectly itself.

Otsume: Bah, you’re mad.

Syou-Kyaku: Certainly I am. But who are you?

Teisyu: Splendid. More tea? (offers tea to both)

Otsume sulks at his place while the others go on with enjoying the tea.

Teisyu: Perhaps I could regale you both with a song?

Otsume: That would be a welcome delight, certainly.

Syou-Kyaku: (nodding in agreeance) Certainly.

Teisyu pulls out a wind instrument. Teisyu plays it and heavy sounds of wind can be heard. Otsume and Syou-Kyaku look at Teisyu in puzzlement. A bit confused, Teisyu examines the instrument, fiddles with it a bit, and then plays again. This time we hear a loud, cacophonous noise, like a car wreck. Teisyu really gets into his playing, trying to force out a good tune, but there is obviously something wrong with the instrument. Teisyu pulls a block of cheese out of the instrument and a handful of money.

Otsume: Well, there’s your problem then.

Teisyu: (to Syou-Kyaku) I told you it wouldn’t work.

Syou-Kyaku: But it was the best cheese you know.

Otsume: (shocked at the reply) The best cheese?

Syou-Kyaku: Oh, I suppose you’d have Roquefort instead?

Otsume: I’d not use any cheese at all!

Syou-Kyaku: (chuckles) And you think these 10 some-odd pounds would do it on their own then? Now who’s the mad one?

Teisyu: You think 10 pounds is not enough to do it?

Otsume: (sarcastic) In with another 20 at least I would say.

Teisyu: Now there’s straight thinking. I certainly want to get a rich tone. Now, this cheese is a whole other mess though.

Syou-Kyaku: (meekly) It was the best cheese.

Teisyu puts down the instrument and rejoins the others at the table. Otsume is flustered at this point, obvious to the audience but seemingly ignored by the other guests.

Teisyu: Ah, speaking of cheese, did I mention to either of you that I will be on a television show?

Otsume: Oh? How remarkable. And which show would that be?

Syou-Kyaku: (distant, musing to himself) The best show is the show that shows nothing...

Band plays short “Seinfeld” music excerpt.

Otsume: Now please.

Syou-Kyaku: And showing nothing would show us everything! At least those of us who watch television. (slightly confused by this line of thought)

Otsume: Now really! (having enough of this babble)

Syou-Kyaku: Yes?

Otsume: Never mind. I just don’t think...

Syou-Kyaku: Well, then you shouldn’t talk.

Otsume: I say!

Teisyu: (interrupting) I can show you a clip of the show, yes?

Teisyu turns on the TV as the lights fade. We see a live feed of The Matt Hadder show as the lights fade back up on the main stage.

End Act II.

Begin Act III.

Matt Hadder is interviewing the Guest on stage.

Matt Hadder: I must say that you look very different onscreen. It’s quite a remarkable transformation. You’re much uglier in person.

Guest: Excuse me?

Matt Hadder: You’re excused. Did you spend much time in makeup?

Guest: Well... a few hours every day of shooting... first they do the face, and then they switch and do the hair...

Switch to tea party.

Syou-Kyaku: Your hair wants cutting.

Otsume: Excuse me?

Syou-Kyaku: You’re excused.

Otsume: What?

Teisyu: He means carving, not cutting.

Ostume: He does?

Syou-Kyaku: Yes, carving the hare. The second course.

Otsume: (a bit relieved) Oh, of course, of course.

Teisyu picks up the knives. Everyone hovers around the hare about to be carved up.

Otsume: Looks delicious. What kind of hare is it?

Teisyu: March hare, I do believe. Or at the very latest April.

Otsume: What’s the difference between a hare and a rabbit, anyway? I never could tell which is which.

Syou-Kyaku: Switch?

Knife touches the hare, switch to talk show.

Harry: (as if being cut) AAAAAAchoo!!

Matt Hadder: (annoyed) Hey, I’m trying to interview our guest here.

Harry: (sheepish) Excuse me.

Matt Hadder: (louder) I said, I’M TRYING TO INTERVIEW OUR GUEST HERE.

Harry: I heard you the first time.

GROAN sign and OBSCENE LAUGHTER sign.

Matt Hadder: (turning to Guest) It looks like you’ve put on some weight since then. What do you eat?

Guest: Wait, I don’t see what...

Matt Hadder (interrupting) You don’t see what you eat? How do you manage that?

Guest: No, of course I see what I eat!

Matt Hadder: I hope you mean what you say.

Guest: I always say what I mean.

Matt Hadder But do you mean what you say?

Guest: It’s the same thing.

Matt Hadder: Then you must eat what you see. No wonder.

Guest: I eat what?

Matt Hadder: You see.

Guest: No, I don’t see.

Matt Hadder: Then you can’t eat.

Guest: What?

Matt Hadder: Exactly! What, what do you eat? Do you know?

Guest: I don’t know... anything, really...

Matt Hadder: You’ll eat anything?

Guest: No! I didn’t say that!

Matt Hadder: Well, I don’t see how you could, if you can’t see. (musing) But if you can’t see what you eat, I suppose it could be anything...

Guest: (pointing to her eyes) But I do see! I see!

OBSCENE LAUGHTER signs.

Matt Hadder: I’m glad we finally agree. You see that you don’t see, so you’ll eat anything, really, all manner of things, anything that begins with an M...

Guest: Why with an M?

Matt Hadder: Why not? You could eat mouse-traps, the moon, memory, and melancholy, and...

Eating, slurping, etc. sounds creep in from tea party.

Matt Hadder: Mister March!

Harry: What?

Matt Hadder: I told you I’m trying to do an interview here! Can’t you keep it down?

Harry: Keep what down?

Matt Hadder: You don’t hear that?

Harry: Hear what?

Matt Hadder: (staring into mug)I knew I should’ve switched to decaf.

Switch to tea party — they’re still watching the show. Matt and Guest mime a conversation.

Teisyu: This show gets worse and worse every time I watch it.

Otsume: Maybe if you stopped watching it, it would get better.

Syou-Kyaku: I often think that. But I also think for it to get better, it must first get worse. You see, if you want to shrink you must first expand... if you want to —

Otsume: (interrupting) We know, we know.

Teisyu: Let’s just eat, shall we?

Otsume: I’d like to, but I find this television most distracting. Why are we still watching?

Teisyu: I’m waiting for the part of the show when Dormouse wakes up and tells a story. It’s always the best part of the show.

Otsume: But it’s ruining my appetite.

Teisyu: Oh, all right then, I’ll switch it off.

Syou-Kyaku: (staring into cup) I knew I should’ve switched to oolong.

Switch to talk show. The lights are dimmed — sipping and eating sounds continue from tea party.

Matt Hadder: What the heck is going on here?

Harry: We’ve lost power. We’re off the air.

Matt Hadder: (head in hands) I’m a poor man. I just wanted a job... that’s how it all started... the twinkling of money... couldn’t even afford bread and butter...

Harry: The twinkling of what?

Dormouse: Twinkle... twinkle...

Band plays and elegiac version of “Twinkle, twinkle, little bat.” When the song is over, the Dormouse is fully awake with the spotlight on him.

Dormouse: Once upon a time there were three little sisters, and their names were Elsie, Lacie and Lillie; and they all lived at the bottom of a well —

Guest: What did they live on?

Dialogue straight from Lewis Carroll continues, but is soon completely drowned out by the sipping and eating groove of the tea party. Band joins in.

End Act III.